First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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