Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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