It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
