i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
