i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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