Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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