So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm sobbing to NWA
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
