It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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