Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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