mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
