He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
