i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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