The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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