so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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