i don't like sucking hair
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
