Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
