you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
