i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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