OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
