i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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