We won't sleep together?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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