ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
