Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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