I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
