Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
