I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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