Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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