I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize