I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize