we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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