i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
