sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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