it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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