You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
