Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just gargled with NyQuil
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
