I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize