You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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