im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
