Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
