my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
