I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
