Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
