So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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