the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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