you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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