bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
