if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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