god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
