then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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