so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
