the condom got lost in my hair
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
