Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
