I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
