a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
