well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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