just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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