It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize