I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize