Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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