I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
