Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
