it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
