i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
