Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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