My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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